Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Life is full of addictions, whether they are "sleazy" ones like drugs or alcohol, or more "noble" things like self-satisfaction of "knowing that you've helped somebody" at work. I think we are more or less, we human are driven by desires, which inevitably become our addictions.

Recently, I have fallen into a highly addictive activity called the improvement of body image. I have been addicted to various aspects of this activity at different points in time. For a while, I was into ear piercings. As I think I've reached the maximum capacity in my left ear (I need my right ear for talking on the phone and sleeping), I've moved on to haircuts and hair dyes, and expensive hair styling products. After ending up chopping off almost all my hair for a low maintenance haircut, my new hobby is working out, including activities like push-ups and yoga. 

It is common knowledge that piercings and tattoos are addictive, as you think you are improve yourself more by getting more things pierced and inked. I had no idea that body building can be addictive as well... as more muscles = better? While I am satisfied with my upper body development, I fear that eventually I will be dissatisfied with the limits of my female body in my pursuit of masculine beauty, that I am already addicted. 

Sometimes I think the parent's group have a point. If you have no word for something, no knowledge of something, then you simply cannot be. Maybe if I've never known about this thing called homosexuality, I might be dating guys... or just single. If I've never broken in the Chinese lesbian circle and learned about these people called tomboys I may have never realized that's the kind of expression of who I want to be, and left my hair long and the closet feminine. If I had never known about this thing called hormone therapy... the idea that I could be dissatisfied with the physical limits of my natural born sex... would never have occurred... 

Maybe I should have gone to a Catholic university =.=

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